TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be incredible. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed through the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the finest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely from spot. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But Of course, guaranteed, let's have A different spot where American Males can have on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer Everybody a suite to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be delicate energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he should cease working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the venture, replied, "You understand, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping kinds a large Trump head seen from Room, a feature becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the setting up's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors may well contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. Trump Tower Damascus A modern SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is previously attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll acquire a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may even involve:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have flip-down support."


Yet another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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